Some things have happened lately that have taken me by complete surprise & resulted in the feeling of going a few rounds in the ring with a prize fighter.

You'll notice a change to the way I refer to my oldest ~ DS#1 {darling son #1} is now TT {the teenager} this is partly survival technique & partly acceptance that he no longer is my sweet little boy.

If you've read all along, you would know he is my brainiac. Capable of 4.0 yet flying under the radar with a 2.5 GPA. Dealing with the woes of high school life ~ how to fit in & find his own identity. Struggling between the ease of the wrong crowd & the lure of the "good" kids.

In the meantime, he is also dealing with the hormones that physically plague him as he grows from boy to man.

So, I've decided to share this new chapter of my parenting as a way to hopefully help other parents that are dealing with similar situations ~ for better or worse. The best part is, we've begun seeing a therapist. So not only will I expose the vunerable & extremely private side of my life, I also intend to share our experiences along the way. The advice from the therapist & the struggles I face as the parent.

Here goes...

About a month ago TT snuck out to go see his girlfriend {of 3 weeks} on a Saturday night. {This would be the girlfriend from the next town over & someone he met on Facebook}

Now, I did my fair share of sneaking out in my teen years, so inside I viewed the event as a "typical" teen thing to do. However, on the outside, I provided a parental response. He had to stay awake all day doing chores & half way through the day I asked for the home phone numbers to the girls he had met up with. I reasoned that if he had snuck out & other parents knew about it I would want them to call & let me know.

Shocked, he called the girls to get their home numbers & both girls asked for time to let their parents know themselves. This was good enough for me. The driver's Dad took her keys away & they both were disciplined on their end. As for my guy, grounded.

Two weeks later, after returning home from a speech & debate tournament {his first one & he brought home a trophy!} he used his text messaging to "hook up" with a different girl.

Now, until this time his text messaging had been turned on & off as a privelage. During the tournament I needed to be able to communicate with him, so I turned the texting back on. In a 24 hour period he had managed to text back & forth with 15 different girls while sending 668 messages {that's not counting the ones he received!}

How did I know this? Well, that's where things get interesting.

We arrived home from the tournament at about 10:30pm {I was the female chaperone} & when Dad came to get us I couldn't have been more proud {Dad too!}. Exhausted from the long night before in the hotel room, we all headed to bed. Or so I thought.

At 3:15 am the phone rang...

"Hello?"
"Mrs. Smith..."
"Yes?"
"Hi this is Sherriff Jones"
pause
"I have your son TT here & it appears he has been driving without a license"
another pause
"Do you own a blue sedan?"
terror strikes
"No"
"We'll have to try & locate the owners, could you come pick him up from the scene?"
"I'll be right there"

Apparently, after we all went to sleep he began texting a girl {I'm still not sure he even knows ~ she's a cousin of a classmate} & they made plans to sneak out & have sex.

Sidenote: he's 15.5 y/o!!!

{In going through his text messages, here's what we figured out}

TT tells her {via text} he's never done "it" before, she says her last time was in March {she's 14}. He asks her to bring the protection, she asks what brand {then offers two choices}.

She asks how he's going to get to where she is, he tells her the neighbor leaves the keys in their car {unlocked} at night, it will be no problem.

He sneaks out, "borrows" the neighbors car, picks her up, {remember no license here}, they head down the highway & he says at that time it kicks in that this is wrong. Hmmm, I call Bullsh*t!

So he turns the car around, she opens the condom wrapper, waves the condom in his face & says "when do you wanna go?". He {supposedly} says "I'm not in the mood". She then mocks him & he takes her back to the pick up point.

This is where the story gets a little fuzzy. He says the girl & her cousin were going to come back down but sitting there waiting he decides he's gonna head home.

During all this contemplating, he's sitting with the parking lights on in front of a storefront. Good old Sherriff goes by & thinks this looks suspicious so he turns around & pulls in behind the car ~ lights on.

In a panic TT tells him he forgot his license, lies about his birthday & claims he has permission to have the car.

It only takes a few minutes to clear it all up & give us a call. In the meantime, we are all trying to figure out who the car belongs to.

When Dad & I arrive he is handcuffed & in the back of the Sherriff's car.

I can't believe it's actually my child there. And yet it is.

He's scared. He thinks they're taking him to jail. He tells me who the car belongs to.

The neighbors are called, we apologize profusely & offer up that he will be available for whatever form of redemption they see fit. {physical labor, weekly lectures, daily beatings!}

They decide not to press charges {it would have been a felony that would stay on his record his entire life}. We decide not to tell him & let it sink in that this mistake could ruin all hopes for his future in the military & college.

We are grateful for this older couple who is more interested in being a part of the solution than the problem.

Heading home I'm speechless. I don't even know where to begin.

Sh*t, I'm the Mom everyone calls when this happens to their kids!

How did this child come to live in my home? We don't have a home of neglect, abuse or strict standards. All he has ever received is love, structure & a life full of privelage.

We get home & Dad makes him sleep on our bedroom floor to ensure he will stay put.

The following days, we clear up the fact that he didn't "borrow" the car ~ he stole it. He reasoned that he was planning to return it, we clarified he took someone's property without their permission.

Monday I spent the day on the phone with our insurance company & then local therapists who could handle such a dilemma.

By Wednesday {the day before Thanksgiving} we were sitting in a therapists office ~ Mom, Dad & TT.

The therapist explained to us, the parents, that during puberty the brain really is clouded. {OK, but why aren't all teenage boys out stealing their neighbors cars to have sex???} He then explained to TT that impulse control is affected, however, when it reaches this extent {stealing a car} there is something else going on. {DUH!!!}

Now here is what was offered as possibilities: hormones affecting decision making, learning disability {such as ADD}, or the part of the brain that takes care of the pleasure center is not connected to the controls of his brain properly.

Alright, I can understand the logic behind all that. But what do we {the parents} do about it?

He explains that we need to make decisions based on how they will affect our lives & allow him to make "safe" mistakes in his life.

For example: take his phone away {done, that night}, no more facebook {done, the following morning}, no unsupervised homework on the computer, keep him in "line of sight" ~ he can have friends over, he may not go to anyone else's place ~ he may play X-Box ~ he may not watch unsupervised TV.

In making decisions over the last weekend, it was easier to ask ourselves "how could this affect us?". So, he wasn't allowed to go to friend's houses. We decided he wasn't allowed to have friends over yet either, we couldn't trust him with other peoples cell phones around. He did his chores {& then some} was allowed to read or hang out with Mom, Dad or little brother.

Our next appointment is tomorrow morning & I'm hopeful, but I'm also scared out of my mind. I do blame myself as a parent, although I also understand that so far I've done the best I could with what I had. That's why we are going to therapy, to improve on what can be done.

Dealing with this as a Mom has been painful & left me flirting with the weight of depression. But, I have no doubt that there are valuable lessons hidden in this. I can only hope that other parents are able to find answers, validation & possibly support in my posts.

More to come in a few days...

As always, thanks for reading.

TOAM